Are you caught in the FOG(C) of coercive control?

Coercive control can be challenging to identify. It involves a process that, by design, makes it difficult for the victim to be able to see and understand the gradual corrosion of their autonomy, intuition, and self-concept. 

Coercive control is an intentional pattern of behaviours designed to control and dominate another person. The central tactics are isolation, intimidation, humiliation, the use of threats, and sometimes violence. Yet how these tactics are used by the abuser and their context is uniquely personalized and tailored to the victim. 

Coercive control operates like a language only the victim understands. The abuser weaponizes the intimate knowledge they have gained through years of close relationship. This looks like the controlling partner using the privileged knowledge they have gained over the course of the relationship when the victim has been open and vulnerable with their greatest fears, their secret shames, their hopes and desires. 

So while the tactics, whether that be social isolation, threats, humiliation, etc, follow more well-known and recognizable patterns, the specific nature of how this is carried out may not raise any red flags for those outside of the relationship. If outsiders can’t rely on stereotypical and explicit signs of abuse such as physical marks on the victim, and if the victim herself (or himself) is psychologically twisted up in knots trying to comply and appease, it can be a challenge for either party to recognize coercive control. 

What does a victim of coercive control experience?

The partner who is being controlled frequently becomes adept at rationalizing and justifying the harmful behaviour because they understand, often unconsciously, what it takes to minimize the risk of their partner lashing out at them. 

Their previous experience shapes their behaviour and they view the dynamic in terms of cause and effect:

“If I do ______, my partner will react in a specific way (silent treatment, cruel put downs, etc). So I will not  ______, then my partner will have no reason to react.”

They may rationalize altering their behaviour and making repeated concessions to appease their partner because they love them and are committed to “keeping the peace.” Yet what this pattern actually illustrates is that the controlling partner is using threats as a way to control their partner. This control is at the heart of coercive control. 

What does a wife’s submission have to do with coercive control?

There are countless ways that women are socialized to defer to the men in their lives, to not be assertive, to not rock the metaphorical boat, to appease, and to sacrifice their needs and desires for their partner. After all, they love their partner. They want to live in peace with their spouse. They have a desire to obey God in how they treat their husband. If they place these tendencies within the context of complementarian marriage, they may normalize appeasement and concessions as part of their submission to their husband. 

Martha Peace, in The Excellent Wife, lays out the scope of a wife’s submission to her husband as deferring to him in everything from his preferences to his stated demands, whether that be the length of your hair, how you clean the house, or which friends you are permitted to have. You must comply unless you are absolutely sure he is asking you to sin. The wife may view this dynamic and behaviour as simply trying to be a Godly wife, trying to give grace to a partner that struggles with frustration, anger or fear.

What Is the FOG(c) of Coercive Control?

This acronym stands for:

• FEAR

• OBLIGATION

• GUILT 

• CONFUSION

You can picture these as buttons that the people closest to us can push to pressure us to do what they want. Or you may experience the FOG(c) as a residual feeling you are left with after interactions with certain people. You may feel small, worn down, or perpetually not good enough.

If we are experiencing control and abuse, these emotional responses of fear, obligation, guilt or confusion will be frequent and dominant in our internal world.

Everyone will experience these emotions in our lives at different points, but if they are ongoing emotional experiences that linger inside us when we interact with our partner, that indicates we are not experiencing emotional and psychological safety in our relationship. 

Fear

A relationship lacking in psychological safety will not allow us to be truly honest with our partner. If we do not feel we can say no, without fear of repercussions, (like punitive reactions or intimidation tactics like driving dangerously or physically blocking you from leaving the room) then our “yes” is not authentic and from a place of genuine care. Our “yes” is motivated by a desire to placate. 

If we are not free to say “no”, then our “yes” is being shaped by a coercive dynamic underpinning the relationship. 

Think of coercion as the subliminal message of “do this or else”. There is an on-going, low level of fear that is causing us to adapt our behaviour to keep the “peace”. Peace that comes at the expense of ourselves, our dignity, and our autonomy, is not true peace. Conceding your needs and desires to avoid conflict is not peace, but appeasement. 

Obligation

As humans, our sense of obligation, commitment, and duty help us be faithful friends and spouses. We need each other and rely on others to be there for us. That is a positive thing.

Yet that sense of obligation can be exploited and used to bend our will. 

Controlling people and abusers feel entitled. They feel entitled to our time, our resources, our bodies, and our most private thoughts and feelings. This entitlement leads them to lean heavily on our sense of obligation. This is a favorite button for controlling people to push. They will remind us of previous sacrifices they made for us (real or perceived) and they will overstate how much they have done for us, and what they have given up. They will press that obligation button and remind us how much we owe them.

Guilt

Guilt can look like your partner bringing up the past over and over. There is no time limit for making you feel guilty for a real or perceived injustice or slight suffered by a controlling partner. Guilt can be induced with phrases like, “if you really cared about this relationship you would…” or “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t …” 

Controlling people attribute their short-comings and failings to everyone but themselves. They will look to place the blame on you. Guilt is a very effective button to push because we often do not tolerate it very well. We find it distressing so we give in to relieve the discomfort. This is partly what makes this tactic so effective. 

Confusion

When a person is blanketed in fog, it’s confusing and disorienting. They may feel that they don’t know what way is up. Nothing they do is enough, but they cling to this hope that if they just try hard enough, they can return the relationship to the way it was at the start. 

Yet, it feels so challenging to put their finger on what is actually happening in the relationship. Something feels off. They are plagued by chronic confusion, desperately trying to discern their role in the conflict. It is often the victims who read book after book, listen to podcast after podcast, trying to mold themselves into the perfect spouse who will not set off their partner. 

How could it not be confusing when they experience kind and tender moments with their spouse alongside spiteful cruelty and emotional withholding? This confusion is a deliberate state cultivated by the controlling partner and weakens the victim’s ability to comprehend and articulate her experiences.

FOG(C) is the psychological fallout that dominates a person’s internal world when covert tactics designed to apply pressure to bend a person’s will are commonly used by one partner. These tactics do not reflect the mutual respect and care that characterize a loving and healthy marriage. These tactics do not uphold the dignity and value inherent in each person. This is not the way of Jesus. This is not love. This is control. 

Are You Caught in the FOG(C)?

Here are some suggestions to explore this possibility. Set aside some time to reflect on situations that you suspect may have involved emotional manipulation. Write down what you have experienced. Here are some writing prompts to get you started. 

• Is this dynamic of fear, obligation, guilt or confusion a pattern? 

• How long has this been happening? 

• When you reflect, do you notice yourself providing explanations or justifying the behaviour?

• How often do you hold back from expressing your feelings or desires? 

• Do you find yourself apologizing often? 

• Has your life gotten smaller over time (ie. friendships, time with family, hobbies, ambitions, confidence)? 

• Do you feel that your daily behaviour is shaped by explicit or unspoken “rules” that you fear breaking? 

• Do you feel like you have lost who you are? 

• What do you anticipate would be your spouse’s reaction if they found you reading this article? 

Try this thought experiment. Pick several scenarios that you have experienced and imagine if a person you cared about, for example, your adult daughter, or a close friend, came to you and described those scenarios. How would you respond? Sometimes that cognitive distance can give us some valuable perspective. 

Seek out a close friend to share your concerns. Connect with a licensed therapist. If it doesn’t feel like they grasp the nuance of your experiences, keep looking. Coercive control is difficult to identify, so please don’t give up. 

Read more about coercive control

If you want to explore FOG(C) more in-depth, read “Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You” by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier. This acronym is from their initial work and adapted to reflect the conceptualization of coercive control and how it shapes the internal world of those experiencing it.

My hope for you in reading this is that you are able to recognize when relationships have required you to become small and sacrifice your well-being. You are precious to God. You deserve to live free from coercion, abuse, and manipulation. Give yourself grace because leaving the FOG(C) is a long journey that takes courage and support.

Thank you to Sheila Gregoire at Bare Marriage for having me as a guest on her podcast and inviting me to write this companion piece.

Here is the link to my podcast interview with Sheila.

Here is the link to my original article on Bare Marriage.