When Victim-Survivors Share Their Stories: “It was so confusing.”

It doesn’t seem to matter what type of abuse a victim has experienced. I notice this particular dynamic when victims share their stories. Whether it’s cultic abuse, coercive control, grooming, emotional abuse, or adult clergy sexual abuse, it is there.

The victim is haunted by it.

It consistently shows up as a defining theme.

Their experience is marked by it.

It is part of what keeps them trapped for so long.

It is what often drives their shame and self-blame.

It is confusion.

“Why didn’t I say anything?” 

“Why didn’t I tell them no?”

“Why did I keep their secret?”

“Why did I go along with it?”

“Why couldn’t I see what was happening?”

“I just don’t UNDERSTAND.”

This confusion is a primary tool of the abuser.

Abusers intentionally cultivate confusion in their victims as a key tactic for maintaining and entrenching their control.

This is what it can look like:

Deliberate Erosion of the Victim’s Self-Trust

Abusers often use gaslighting tactics to manipulate their victims.

They deny or distort reality, making the victim question their own sanity and memory. Abusers may minimize the abuse, frame it in spiritual terms, or justify and blame the victim for their own mistreatment. They might claim the victim is exaggerating or imagining things. 

This constant undermining of the victim's perception of reality contributes to a profound sense of confusion.  

Isolation

Abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, and support systems. This isolation further contributes to confusion and makes it difficult for the victim to get an outside perspective on their situation. It also reduces opportunities for others to notice concerning patterns and behaviours. 

Cognitive Dissonance

Victims may experience cognitive dissonance, which is the mental discomfort that occurs when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs or ideas. They may struggle to reconcile the abusive behavior with their desire to believe that their partner loves them, or that this respected pastor would ever harm a person under their care.

Fostering Dependence

All of this makes the victim even more susceptible to the influence of the abuser and the abuser uses this to foster dependence. This is where we see victims starting to take on the perspective of the abuser and internalizing it.

Confusion, as one of the overarching emotional experiences in the relationship, points to the intentionally of the abuser and the presence of manipulation and control.

Healthy mutual relationships, where both people are valued and cared for, will not be marked by confusion. Partners and leaders who genuinely care for others want to dispel confusion and help others find clarity and confidence. If you experience on-going confusion and feel destabilized in your faith community or in a personal relationship, please reach out to a safe person that is outside of the situation.*

Pushing back on any isolation and intentionally seeking another perspective can help you see through the fog. Any person consistently dismissing, invalidating, or trivializing your feelings and concerns has something to gain from your continued self-doubt and confusion.

You deserve to have clarity. You deserve honesty and transparency. Your feelings matter. Your concerns and questions matter. Your mental health matters.

YOU MATTER.